Open Up My Heart

I had no intention of writing tonight. Actually I did, but I talked myself out of it because of my state of mind...earlier. But now, I couldn't imagine not sharing what is on my heart.

Earlier today I seemed to be consumed by a broken heart. I still don't know why, but I couldn't seem to escape it. Nothing happened to warrant such feelings, yet there it was - my broken heart - screaming for some salve to soothe the pain. No significant event to cause the brokeness; just a sudden awareness of its existance.

This seems to be a hard thing to explain, but imagine trying to understand it as it is happening! That was why I decided not to write earlier....how could I even begin? And even if I did, nothing would make sense. But now things are a bit clearer.

After struggling through the pain for a couple hours, trying to figure out what was going on, I had a thought...why not talk to God about this? (I know, that was your first thought, but I am not as quick as some others that I know ;) ). This isn't to say that I wasn't asking God all along to take this pain away... believe me, I was. No, instead, I started to ask God, "Why?" It was a valid question. I had no idea where this was coming from and since He knows all things, it stands to reason that He might have an answer to that question.

"Why?" led to tears, then to weeping, then to physical brokeness. I couldn't even move off the floor. In this ugly state, I looked up to try to see the Lord and asked, "Why do I feel so alone? I know you are here with me. I know it, why don't I feel it? I don't want to be alone. Why is there this pain? What do you want me to learn? ARE YOU GONNA TALK TO ME?" Well, perhaps you can imagine. The volume getting louder with every question and statement. I can't say that this is the perfect approach to God, or even a good one, but it is what happened. The more I asked, the more desparate I felt. This then led to questions about if I am even doing what I am supposed to be and how do I even know?

(Wow, Laura... great story, glad you shared. hmm, well, not quite there yet...)

After some more of this conversation went on, I turned again and said, "God, I recognize that this is something that I have to go through and trust that you are going with me. I won't ask you to take this away again, I obviously need it for something that is beyond my present understanding. I trust that you have me where I am supposed to be right in this moment. Please, forgive me for doubting and forgive me to not turning to you first."

Right then my phone rang. It seems like such a simple thing, but the ringing of the phone seemed to shock me back into physical reality. See, the call was from someone who needed something. Through having that phone call at that moment, God seemed to confirm to me that I am on the right track, that He still loves me and has me right where He has intended for me to be.

Now, I know struggles are different for everyone, but one encouragement I hope anyone reading this will capture: Go to God first and humble yourself before Him. Don't wait until you are in a panic. Don't settle for little prayers either. God wants us to come to Him with our burdens.

1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

God bless you!