Undeniable Pain

I suppose that sometimes it is the things we want to talk about least that are in the greatest need of talking through. But, since I hate talking about this and I hate the way my voice shakes and my eyes well up when I try to communicate it, I have decided to write instead.

Why does it take so long to heal a broken heart? In May I wrote "Love and It's Amazingness" and re-read it just a moment ago. Until now I hadn't told anyone that "the great guy" and I broke up just days later. Some close friends knew about it, but that was mostly because they were there at the time or picked up the pieces of my brokeness in the days that followed.

So many questions flood my mind right now, and forgive me please, but I am going to be quite candid. The biggest one is why, after 4 months do I still feel like this happened today? TODAY!!! Not yesterday, when I have had a chance to go a little numb and even tell myself that things are going to be okay and that life will be happy again soon. Not last week, when I can start to see that there were major differences in the way he and I think or act or value things. Not last month, when I can look back and see how fortunate I have been to be single and get some perspective on things. Not 4 months ago, when I can look at my life in future terms. It feels like it happened today, when I am still in shock, absolutely blindsided to the fact, but not sure whether to believe it is actually a fact.

I know why I didn't tell anyone. I felt like such a failure. (Still do, if I am honest with myself and you). Here was this amazing guy that loved me and then one day he stopped loving me. I felt as though I had failed so miserably at keeping his love and then being loveable or worthy of such a great guy. Being dumped only served to confirm my thoughts. And as time passed and he didn't speak to me, (y'all, my best friend dumped me and stopped speaking to me all in the same day!) I felt less and less like I was worth anything or ever was. I felt more and more like somehow I had managed to unwittingly trick him into dating me and he had finally figured it out (I didn't, but I sure did go back and re-examine every conversation we had ever had just to be positive).

So, this has been my state of mind for the past 4 months. I have been on the verge of tears nearly everyday, and most days end in them. But not all has been bad. Through all this, God has been my shelter. I wrote another blog, "Hard Night," which was on a night that turned things around for me. Although this whole thing was going on in my emotions, God was holding onto me and speaking to me through His Word. I have asked Him many times why this happened...the guy and I had done everything "right" and it just didn't make sense to me how this happened. Although I didn't hear His voice answer my question, I look back and can see this one being asked of me, "Would you have cried out to Me with such power, urgency and earnestness if you were not going through this? Would our relationship be where it is right now if you were not going through this pain?"

Now, I am not saying that God gave me this pain. That might be a little too much for me to even wrap my head around right now, and I don't feel like getting into a Theological debate with anyone either :). I do think, though, that there has been a purpose in this pain. I know people say they would not trade this or that bad experience because of all the wisdom they got out of it....or something similar. I'm not sure yet that I am ready to say I would go through all this again, but I do see now that things are going to be ok. I have God...always had Him, Christ has been praying for me, the Spirit has enveloped me. Very soon, things are going to be better. Tomorrow is going to be a brand new day. Next week I may even see parts of my old self again. Next month I may be grateful for all this. In four months I will definiately be thinking about my future.

It's funny, the things that stick with you. My choir prof last year said the words, "Hold onto Jesus," nearly everyday or every time she would meet with people. Three words, but I promise you that I have spoken those words over myself everyday. Hold onto Jesus.

I don't know if any of my story has made sense to you, but if I can leave you with one message: life may have some serious struggles and you may not understand them, where they came from and why, or see a way around them, but what ever you do, hold onto Jesus and He will see you through it.

Thanks for reading. God bless you!
Laura Jean