Tonight 'the Flavor' went on a nice hike up off of Germantown road. It was so beautiful! It reminded me of home.
Actually, it reminded me a little too much of home. The walk was exhilarating and when we finally reached our destination, our leader talked to us about God's creation (how appropriate!) and then about what it is that God calls "good". Questions he wanted us to ponder were...What do we value as good and where does that depart from what God calls good (paraphrased in Laura-speak). I think it was a message that I needed to hear, but I don't think it really effected me like it should have....perhaps in time and through consideration and prayer.
The walk back was weird. I was towards the front of the "pack" yet I was walking alone. Conversations buzzed around me, but I was silent. I didn't know why at the time, but in looking back on the evening, I think it was something like mourning. I felt such a sense of loss; as though I was finally grieving something.
I can only imagine it was my former life down in Bridge, OR. The striking similarities in scenery, sounds, smells and everything else caused floods of memories to crash through my mind....which had been pretty ordered up until then ;)
A friend noticed my distraction...even before I did really...she put an arm around me. I just wanted to stop right there and weep...bitterly cry before my God. But how would I explain it...I didn't even know why at the time. I felt....alone; like God is the only one that understands me and this weird pain...and usually that is enough, but on this night it felt different....I know that is my fault and my weakness, but it is also the truth.
We got back to the Church and my mind was exhausted. All that remained was random silliness...which I fear may have alienated (or rather "put off") a friend or two.
I suppose there should be some great lesson to be learned here...and it would be a shame to fail the test because I missed the lesson...But what is it? My faith is not as solid as I had hoped or thought? Yikes, I don't like that one... I am but a mere mortal, therefore little should be expected of me? hmmm, nope. What if the lesson is that life is constantly changing and that there are going to be parts in it that I love and parts that I kick against and wrestle with, and that God has brought me to the place I am now so that I will be ready for the place that is coming next. I loved Bridge; the people were my family, the mountains were my playground. Now I love Portland; the people are my family, the community is my mission field. Soon, I may love somewhere else.
Yes, the lesson I will take from this is to remember the past, but not dwell in it. Live now and for God. There may be pain in changing, but God will provide a way through that pain (the friend with the arm) and His plans are so much bigger than temporal time-lines.
Glory to God!
2 comments:
"What if the lesson is that life is constantly changing and that there are going to be parts in it that I love and parts that I kick against and wrestle with, and that God has brought me to the place I am now so that I will be ready for the place that is coming next."
Yes, Laura, that's it, I think, or something very much like it. What you experienced is what I have often experienced, and often still do, whether on a mountain hike, or even just in town, though it happens mostly when I am "in nature." It's what C.S. Lewis called "immortal longings" and what I call, "immortal longings clashing with a thud on my fleshly man." In my faith, Orthodoxy, it's widely known and many have written about this experience, many calling it "joyful sorrow" or "bright mourning."
There's something about it, unutterably sad, yet you know that Home is ahead of us, not behind us in our memories. Home is the personal prophecy God has spoken to us.
The last scenes of the film "Babette's Feast" also give me this experience, but that is unusual because, as I say, it usually happens when I am outside, in the mountains, or at the sea coast.
Go with God, beautiful sister, and thanks again for your prayers in the Holy Spirit.
Romanos, Amen! You have captured my feelings almost exactly...joyful sorrow...bright mourning...happy sadness? I also enjoyed the way you expounded upon Lewis' thought - it made me chucle and think how truly that relates to me as well. God bless you brother, and thank you for the encouragement!
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